I Know What It's Like to Feel Trapped

 

For most of my childhood, I experienced difficulty in getting along with people and could only sleep a few hours a night. Eventually, I learned how to defend my energy, have boundaries, and declare how I feel. I learned this through that past relationship. The scariest part was that I didn't know what to do or say, because I constantly just kept making things worse for myself.

I was being called an asshole on a daily and regular basis by in a past relationship. I was about 1.5 years inyo that relationship when I decided enough was enough. 

On New Year's Eve 2017, going into 2018, I said to myself, "I don't want to be this asshole anymore." I truly believed something was wrong with me, controlling me—making me say things I didn't want to say. I was trapped in my own body, with my actions and words betraying me constantly. 

I knew there was some truth to hearing this repeated name calling, and I decided I wanted to change. At the time, I was not in touch with my emotions and was bored with life, gullible, lonely, numb, and in deep need of an intervention. The next moment, I could sit down and reflect, and I did.  I just had to ask myself questions to begin understanding why I feel the way I feel.

It was messy. Multiple parts of my personality came out that hadn't been expressed in years. All of these were buried emotions that were inflamed by negative patterns controlling my life. 

That night was the beginning of the end of that relationship.  Once I started to see myself more clearly, the relationship started going downhill.  I wanted to help that relationship heal, but I just didn’t have the experience to do it at the time. Eventually I left that relationship in as much peace and fairness I could muster.  I processed a lot of this experience with my therapist, who is still in my life, and can vouch for my experience of transforming into who I am today.  Through that transformational process, I designed this book to help me get out of emotional or mental ruts that I could run into.

 

This journal is what I created to keep myself grounded after that experience.

Are You Stuck in Your Own Limbo?

 

This journal is for you if you're terrified of being lonely forever and admitting you have been following someone else's life plan, and it's not working for you. 

 

This fear churns in your stomach, rattles your brain, makes it difficult to sleep, think clearly, and get anything done. You constantly feel distracted because you can't get closer to what you want. You seem to be having thoughts and making decisions that take you further away from your peaceful mind.

 

This journal is for people ready to roll up their sleeves—not looking for a quick fix or toxic positivity, but willing to look at themselves.

The Cost of Staying in Limbo

 

If you keep living in limbo, you run the risk of living inauthentically, which can cost you your career, relationships, family ties, and potentially your life. 

 

If you continue walking a path that's not yours, it could lead you to a place where things don't feel right because it wasn't your choice to end up in that place and time. You could be confused and fumbling around, looking for someone to save you from yourself. 

 

This limbo can lead you to depression, mental disorders, and patterns you can't shake. You could be spiritually and mentally tortured because you allow it to happen.

 

That was me in pre-2018.

Three Things I Can Do Now That I Couldn't Do Before

 

1. Think and speak with feeling, prioritizing kindness.

 

This comes from considering what I want to express, how I want to say it while thinking of the other person, and most importantly, speaking to people the way I speak to myself. I prioritize speaking to myself with kindness and compassion because I know that I will always be my own cheerleader.

 

2. Choose how I would like to respond or proceed.

 

Choice had been an elusive thing for so long because I never thought I could have what I wanted. Until I experienced the impacts of saying what I wanted in ways that created negativity for others did I realize the power of Choice is the most powerful thing I could ever harness. I choose how I live, choose how I respond, and choose what I am happy with. This has been instrumental in creating my own peaceful mind.

 

3. Processing my own internal drama.

 

This would be a combination of knowing my limits, creating my own boundaries and honoring my authentic self by advocating and accepting where I fail. Accepting my faults, when I fail and how I impact others has been instrumental in articulating my understanding of how I can communicate more effectively.

Morning and Evening Check-Ins (2-5 Minutes Each)

 

It's a simple morning and evening, daily 2-5 minute journaling. The idea is to spend little time thinking to answer, then go about your day. This helps you manage the twists and turns the day may throw at you.

 

**Morning:**

- What are you grateful for that you can see right now?

- Is there any part of your body in pain, and how much?

- Can you relieve any of this pain?

- Are you thirsty? Are you hungry?

- What are 3-4 priorities you want to get done in the next 8 hours?

 

**Evening:**

- Did you get those priorities you wanted done?

- Is there any tension in your body?

- What events made you mad today?

- Why did you get so mad with these things that happened? (No blaming in this writing)

- What can you change today to make things a little better for tomorrow?

- What are you grateful for that you can see right now?

 

Answering simple daily questions can help build a routine for building awareness and choosing better.

I Don't Want to Overwhelm You

 

I originally had 188 pages, then I chose 2 weeks because I didn't want to overwhelm readers with too much or overwhelm them to commit to something they aren't ready for.

 

But let's start even smaller. Try five days first.

 

That's enough time to feel if this practice resonates, notice the difference between autopilot mornings and intentional ones, and see if checking in at night actually helps you process your day better.

 

Five days prove you can do this. And once you've shown yourself that you can, then you're ready for the full two weeks.

This isn't a book that will solve all your problems nor an answer for any issues in your life. This isn't a life coaching tool to tell you how to live your life, nor is it a practice that forces you to stick to it. 

 

You either do it or you don't.

 

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please seek professional help immediately:

- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 (US)

- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 (US)

Breaking Out of a Trauma-Based Experience

 

For a majority of my childhood, I was unable to express emotions and didn't know why. Once enough intense experiences got through my thick skull, I became more aware. Aware of my feelings, my thoughts, and that I had a choice. A choice to entertain whatever thoughts I wanted to, versus what was expected of me.

 

I originally wrote this for myself because I knew it was powerful. The most important lesson I learned is: the perception of my senses can fail me at any time. Instead of holding on to what I think, just observe, breathe, and be grateful for this experience.

If I were sitting across from you right now, I would invite you to begin writing for yourself if you don't already. It's an easy way to process difficult thoughts and emotions. 

 

If any issues are floating around you and you know about them, but can't talk about them, you can at least write about them and ask yourself questions to dig in deeper to find the root of what is controlling your behavior.

 

Would you like to be able to choose how you respond for yourself, and do you need a little help getting there? Because if you choose yes, that you want help, you can help yourself get where and when you want without relying on anything or anyone. 

 

This writing tool is there to help you practice and find peace of mind for yourself.

 

Use what you have.

Speak to yourself with kindness and understanding, then share that with others.

 

I draw from:

- Jesus' Golden Rule: "Do to others as you would have them do to you."

- Buddha's Four Noble Truths: Suffering exists. Suffering has a cause. Suffering can cease. There is a path to end suffering.

- The 7 Hermetic Principles: Mentalism, Correspondence, Vibration, Polarity, Rhythm, Causation, Gender.